Friday, July 16, 2010

2 vs. 1

I'm just a ball of pregnancy emotions. Some days, I feel like having 2 children is going to be something I'll totally be able to handle. Other days, I feel like I just don't know how I'm going to do it. No matter what, I know we'll all survive and that it'll be fine but, I don't want to just survive, I want to do it WELL. I have high expectations for myself and for my kids.

It's all emotions because at certain times of the day, I am just so excited and feel like I have it all under control and then later, that same day I start to wonder how I'll manage. Well, more than manage, I wonder how I'll do it well.

It's funny because my entire life, I've always known that I'm supposed to be a mom. I've been so blessed to be able to conceive easily and so far, have easy healthy pregnancies. I've always loved kids. In highschool, I was the church babysitter. At 15, I had a job babysitting 4 kids, 8-5 Mon.- Fri. and I got paid $25 a day. Not too bad! Those weren't my kids though and I never obsessed about them learning how to feed themselves with a spoon or drink from a cup without a lid. Judah is learning to feed himself and sometimes I feel so un-sure about how to teach him all these things. Do you just let them go to town and clean your floors and everything within 4 feet afterwards or do you teach them with boundaries? There must be a happy compromise. I can't be too rigid, I have to let him be a kid but, he also needs to learn.

Then I think about how his life will change in 3 months. He's going to have to share me and although it'll be so exciting to have this precious little baby, it's a bit scary that I'm going to be dividing my attention.

I'm so glad that they'll be close in age and I believe that he's going to be a great big brother but, I worry sometimes about how he'll handle the change. It's funny how I can know that I'm supposed to do something but, it can still seem so daunting. For example, my husband and I have always agreed that we want 3 or 4 children but, I also like to have a clean, organized home. I know it's possible to have both but, to be honest, sometimes I wonder.

The bottom line.....
I'm excited and I know these are all just emotions and feelings. I tend to be an over-thinker and it feels good to get it down on "paper". I need to get better about asking God to help me with what seems challenging. I also know many moms that have many small children and to me, it looks like they are doing it well. So, it can be done, right?

4 comments:

  1. Angela - if anybody can do it - and well! - it's you!! You are such a great momma! I know how sometimes it can seem like it's never going to work out, but trust it all to the Lord and you'll find there is a way! Remember Cami's little postcard? "Today, you will be able to do everyting God wants you to do." I agree that Judah is going to be a wonderful big brother, and even IF he slows down on learning some things, he will learn so much more by having a sweet little sister. It's OK to be anxious about how it's going to be, and you are doing such a great job recognizing your emotions. And the fact that you are thinking about how to divide your attention between the two already shows how conscientious you are. Trust your inner gut-feeling. It'll guide you right. And - I hope you know that you have friends who'll help you out in a heartbeat! :-)

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  2. It's so exciting to read your thoughts because you are already "getting it". You are such a good mom. Your desire for organization and order will be one of your best assets in the journey of doing it well. It will also be one of the things at moments you will believe to be a curse. I never fathomed my house would look like it has on some days. I dislike chaos. But the Lord has stretched me immensely. And yes, the house gets back in order eventually (though it's been a "new kind of order" with the addition of each child). Each of your children will experience learning through their older siblings. As I have recently struggled with some behavior issues with Gracie I've caught myself thinking that some of things things are taught more easily when another little sibling is coming along (sharing, patience) and requiring attention. You are going to not only do it well, but FLOURISH!

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  3. I understand where you're coming from. I actually experienced a lot of anxiety and depression when I was pregnant with Ruby afraid of how I could possibly manage four kids. It was kind of a long journey that God faithfully...very faithfully:) led me through and I'd be more than happy to share it with you sometime. By the time Ruby was born I was in such a better place and actually experienced no post partem depression after I had her. Not that that's what it seems like you're dealing with, but I know how our fears and anxieties can quickly lead in that direction. With each of my children I've had to make adjustments and honestly my house is rarely spotless, but I had to really think and pray about what my priorities were and actually kind of come up with a mission statement for myself. Mine is that my home would be a place of peace (shallom peace or wholeness) and life. That my family and people who visit would feel inspired, loved and rested while here. That means I keep it up so it's not chaotic, but it also means that sometimes I let my kitchen wait to be cleaned while I have a tickle fight with my kids. Honestly some days I succeed and some days I fail, but I attribute the days I succeed to God and His strength, life and light shining through me:)

    God did create you to be a mom, that is completely obvious to me and I don't even know you. Trust Him and He'll lead you and you'll raise some amazing children for Him:)

    Also when I was pregnant with Ruby Emma was not quite 2. I called Ruby "Emma's baby" while I was pregnant and also when she was born. She was so nurturing and I had no jealousy issues with her. I've heard that the best gift you can give a child is a sibling and I've found that to be so true.

    Also (real quick...sorry this is long) a couple of books have been really helpful to me. "Your Purpose as a Mom" by someone Otto. I have it if you'd like to borrow it. And also "Sheparding a Child's Heart" and "Don't Make Me Count to Three". Both of those have the same themes, Don't Make Me Count was an easier read, but it's all about nurturing our children's hearts and I wished I'd read it when mine were babies!:)

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  4. Dear Angela----

    I love reading your blog...thanks for asking me to be with Judah while you two celebrated your anniversary. I really enjoyed reading the story of Judahs birth and am looking forward to meeting his little sister!

    I love you, Mom

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Thank you for your comments. I read every single one of them and they always make me smile.

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