Last night I had a dream that I was back at my old job, working. I was back in my old office, crunching numbers, filling my water bottle from the water cooler, my hair was fixed, I was skinnier and my clothes were cuter. Also, it was tax season. There were deadlines and we were working hard.
It was a real dream and I think I know why I dreamt it. I'm going to be honest and transparent here. Sometimes I miss working. Sometimes I miss my old job, working with adults, the relationships I had with clients, the mental challenges, the structure. I miss getting up at 6am, having an HOUR to get ready and then going to work.
My entire life I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I STILL do. It's just more challenging than I thought it'd be. I think the honeymoon phase of being at home with my children has worn off. First I just had Judah. He was an easy baby, he slept through the night early, he hardly ever fussed, I could just stick him in an excersaucer and take a shower. He took long naps everyday and I had plenty of time to clean, cook, and do whatever else needed to be done. Plus, he was my first baby and I'd always dreamed of becoming a mom and staying home with my kids.
Last year, there was some talk at MOPS about how some women feel like they loose their identity when they become a Mom. They feel like they loose who THEY were and they miss the way things were before children. At that time, I couldn't really relate to women who felt that way. I was still in the honeymoon phase of mothering but, now I can relate.
Lately my days are more difficult than they were before. I often feel like I'm being pulled in too many directions. I feel like I'm being stretched thin and it's hard. I want to do-all and be-all and often I feel like I just can't keep up.
Here's the truth though:
I wouldn't trade this time at home with Judah and Paisley for anything. There are only going to be young once and I am supposed to be here, taking care of them.
A few weeks ago, I was laying in the dentist chair. My dentist is fabulous. She's a christian mom, who only works on Monday's and stays home and homeschools her 4 children the rest of the week. Anyway, she was talking to the dental assistant about how her mission field right now is at her home. Her mission field is her kids and during this phase of her life, that's where God wants her. That statement really struck home with me.
So, as much as it's really hard sometimes, this is where God wants me to be and as much as these little people can challenge me, they are the biggest blessings in my life!