Thursday, July 11, 2013

It Matters

The last few days, I've felt like posting on here, but it's been hard. Parenting lately has taken me to a new place, a place that has it extreme moments of complete blessing and extreme moments where I feel like I can barely hold on. It's hard to write about these things because I know that there are a few types of people who read. One type is the person who enjoys hearing about struggles because it confirms that yes, they still have it more together than you do and deep down inside, they really don't want to see you rock this thing, because they need to be always just a touch better, a touch more put together.

Writing those words sounds harsh, I suppose, but it's true. Some people don't want to see you succeed and knowing that hurts. Us humans, especially us Moms, who are trying to effectively shape lives, we need a group of cheer leaders behind us. And so....I'm posting a little more on the serious side today. Please don't feel bad for me because I am incredibly blessed. Multiple times a day, my heart practically bursts with gratitude, but that doesn't make it all smooth sailing.

I've struggled with guilt a lot lately. Judah will come running up to me, telling me that he wants to go ride his bike outside. At that very moment, Eliza needs to be fed and I have to tell him that I'm sorry, but I need to feed his sister. Moments later, Paisley wants me to read her books, but I'm trying to get a hungry baby to eat and when I start reading out loud, Eliza stops nursing because she's easily distracted. It's so hard to want to spend individual time with them, to get down and play with them and be fully present, when a young baby needs so much attention.

The guilt I have when I can't say "yes" fills my mind every night. Sure, we have fun throughout the day, but every night, I feel like I simply wasn't enough. That I didn't spend the quality time with each one of them, like I should have. The guilt I have from feeling like I'm not enough is hard for me to understand. It's hard for me to discern if those feelings are real or if it's just a lie, that's trying to discourage me and keep me from reaching my full potential as a Mom.

At the end of the day, often it feels like I was able to barely get anything done, that didn't relate to parenting. The house isn't as clean as I would like. I didn't spend time with our neglected garden....the list goes on and on. But, I did sit and nurse my baby. I did hug my kids a tell them how much I love them and how being their Mommy is the greatest blessing in my life. They laughed and they smiled and they told me the best parts of the day.

When I feel like I've done nothing and that all I do is parent, I'm telling myself that this stuff matters. The feedings, the conversations with my 4 year old, the laughs with my 2 year old. Those things, they hold eternal value and although I know that, I have to remind myself daily that it matters.
******

He flips through the book page by page, asking her to point to the different objects.
 Pretend naps with Rosie
The most patient dog, all covered with jammies and blankets.

Angela

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing with courage!
    I think every Mother has struggled with guilt over inadequacies - either real or imagined. You are a great Mom. The photos..wonderful
    Blessings to you!

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  2. I want to say that "new place" that you refer to that parenting has taken you to... it's one of the best places in the world. It's hard, but it's good. Trust me, I don't know a parent who hasn't been there. Some of us seem to have to make that place home for a while until things even out a bit. And then when they do it seems there's another "new place" around the corner. (So encouraging, I know.)

    I have often mentally compared it to a really, really tough workout. (And mind you a HATE to workout.) The benefits truly are worth it.

    You are SUCH A GOOD MOM!! Your worst days are probably a ton better than my very best days.

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  3. I think that every GOOD mom has to go thru that! And you are in the midst of it now! I would bet that it annoys YOU more than it annoys your two older kiddos... I feel the same way right now with Makenzie. I'm so big right now that I can barely move! She wants to run and jump and have me swing her around... I can't do any of that! So we're in the final weeks of this pregnancy and she would rather play with anyone else than me. When all I want is her to MYSELF because that's about to change...But I can't blame her b/c I can't do all the fun stuff other people can do!

    Is Eliza on a good schedule yet? Maybe you could help yourself feel guilt free and twist it into a learning lesson for the kids by making an "Eliza" Schedule and have it posted by a clock. Then they can see ok... mom will be busy soon... may give them a heads up?? But they may be too young for it to! Just an idea that popped into my head.

    Glad you brought this up... it's something I pray about a lot for moms! Especially stay at home moms that also have the pressure to be the parent all day and keep the house up. Tough job!

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  4. Ah Amanda, thank you for sharing the gritty real here today. As a mama who is a parenting season ahead of you, I can tell you that you're doing a much better job than you think. I used to fret over the *exact* same things. But with a little rearview mirror perspective, we all - the kids and myself - remember me doing a better job than I thought I was doing at the time.

    So carry on sweet Mama ~ you're doing beautifully!

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  5. No matter who we are, or what we are trying to do our best at, there is always a voice sneaking in those intimidating thoughts. The thief who comes to steal and rob our joy. I heard a minister say the other day, when those thoughts come, combat them with His truth and they will begin to grow dimmer. God is so proud of who you are. He is holding you and your children. He is singing songs of joy over you today... And your children will rise up and call you blessed!

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  6. aww sweet babies. it's amazing how being a mama is such a incredible blessing, yet still so stretching and growing for us.

    just found your blog via caseyleigh. keep up your great work with your littles!

    big hugs to you!
    xo

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  7. Angela,
    I come here every so often, not every day and not consistently, yet when I do I take something from what you share. One of those things is trying to say yes when I can. (Keep in mind I'm not a parent to human kiddos, only 4 legged, however I do have people in my life that I love and care for. I keep coming back for a reason. What that reason is I don't know, but I connect with things you write about.:)
    The word(s) I had come to me while reading this post was EGO. Wayne Dyer's definition for EGO is Edging God Out. So, asking yourself in those moments if it's your words in those moments of doubt or His? Also, the thought came to mind to ask you to listen to Amy Grant's "Don't try so hard". I don't know if that's the correct name of the song, but it's the first that came to mind.
    I have much more I'd like to say, however keeping it short and to the point of what popped in my head seems best.
    Be gentle with your self dear, the harshest person on ourselves is US!
    Blessings and Love,
    Lesley

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  8. Lovely post, it touches my heart as I know it probably does with many other mothers as well. Every day we try to be so many things to so many people and end up feeling we weren't everything we needed to be at the end of the day. But we are- and we need to remind ourselves of that. I do at least, that each moment of each day counts. Pray for guidance and support, talk with your friends, your loved ones. Know your children know you are giving mothering everything you have. Blessings truly, from our family to yours, appreciating your post, http://fourfarming.blogspot.com/

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  9. I appreciate your honesty! I completely understand what you mean about feeling SO blessed - but sometimes it just feels good (and is healthy?) to vent! Also, in motherhood, it's so wonderful to know you're NOT THE ONLY ONE who has feelings of inadequacies.

    I know *I* always feel more like "I can do this!" when another mom shares her heart like this, because I have days like this. And when I see you still pressing on, I'm encouraged to press on! :)

    (hope this makes sense. I have terrible prego brain...)

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Thank you for your comments. I read every single one of them and they always make me smile.

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