Writing those words sounds harsh, I suppose, but it's true. Some people don't want to see you succeed and knowing that hurts. Us humans, especially us Moms, who are trying to effectively shape lives, we need a group of cheer leaders behind us. And so....I'm posting a little more on the serious side today. Please don't feel bad for me because I am incredibly blessed. Multiple times a day, my heart practically bursts with gratitude, but that doesn't make it all smooth sailing.
I've struggled with guilt a lot lately. Judah will come running up to me, telling me that he wants to go ride his bike outside. At that very moment, Eliza needs to be fed and I have to tell him that I'm sorry, but I need to feed his sister. Moments later, Paisley wants me to read her books, but I'm trying to get a hungry baby to eat and when I start reading out loud, Eliza stops nursing because she's easily distracted. It's so hard to want to spend individual time with them, to get down and play with them and be fully present, when a young baby needs so much attention.
The guilt I have when I can't say "yes" fills my mind every night. Sure, we have fun throughout the day, but every night, I feel like I simply wasn't enough. That I didn't spend the quality time with each one of them, like I should have. The guilt I have from feeling like I'm not enough is hard for me to understand. It's hard for me to discern if those feelings are real or if it's just a lie, that's trying to discourage me and keep me from reaching my full potential as a Mom.
At the end of the day, often it feels like I was able to barely get anything done, that didn't relate to parenting. The house isn't as clean as I would like. I didn't spend time with our neglected garden....the list goes on and on. But, I did sit and nurse my baby. I did hug my kids a tell them how much I love them and how being their Mommy is the greatest blessing in my life. They laughed and they smiled and they told me the best parts of the day.
When I feel like I've done nothing and that all I do is parent, I'm telling myself that this stuff matters. The feedings, the conversations with my 4 year old, the laughs with my 2 year old. Those things, they hold eternal value and although I know that, I have to remind myself daily that it matters.
He flips through the book page by page, asking her to point to the different objects.